AREA MAN USES ONION-LIKE HEADING TO GET YOU TO READ HIS ARTICLE... by George Westerholm
AHEAD OF THE CURVE OF THE CURVE WE HAD TO FLATTEN
2019 was a shit year for me. That's right. I'm going to talk about what a lousy year 2019 was. Why would I do that? Because I was onto an entire shit year before everyone jumped on the bandwagon in 2020. I'm ahead of all you baby scenesters.
worried about possibly having no job?
Worried about losing everything?
Feeling isolated and alone?
I already did all that in 2019. Way ahead of you. I was on that shit before it was cool.
I had lost my job and eventually the place I was living in by July 2019 and to date still have no permanent address. Long before any of you 2020 posers.
And I did it without any assistance from the government. People are so soft in 2020. In fact not only did I get no handout from the government, I had Revenue Canada up my arse for back taxes.
I had the Federales on me, I was about to declare bankruptcy AND I switched from Apple to PC. That's walking the walk. Who's prepared to do that? Ok maybe going PC was taking it a bit too far...
But I don't care. Computers are disposable. Like paper towels. They're nice for a little bit, you use them and throw them in the garbage. Except with paper towels at least you don't have to listen to people complain about how they "don't like the new operating system".
Computers should all be $45 cause that's about what they're worth. Apple's laughing all the way to the off-shore tax haven.
If I spend $2,500 on a guitar, Fender doesn't decide 7 years from now that they 'won't support it' anymore and it stops working. Time to throw it on the pile in Lahore and buy a new one. No. It's good forever. That's why Apple and Dell can fuck right off.
Am I rambling and off-topic? Yes. I am. I guess I just thought it was the end of the world and it doesn't matter.
SOMETIMES THINGS HAVE TO GET TORN DOWN BEFORE THEY CAN GET GET BUILT UP AGAIN... AND THEN INSTANTLY OBLITERATED BY A GLOBAL PANDEMIC
There I was slogging it through a miserable year in 2019, but I was planting seeds. I was writing, pitching, hustling, working towards the day when my fortunes world turn around again and I'd be back in the game.
And bit by bit things started to fall into place. I was commissioned to write a mini-musical, finished my comedy album, wrote a whack of scripts to try and enter a new phase of my career in scripted and was I was starting to perform comedy live again and (after two plus decades) was finally getting my act in shape. In late January out of the blue I started working at a real gig again for a solid 5 weeks at the end of the season.
Man, if you had talked to me on March 1st-- I was doing great. Things had started to turn around. I was back on track baby!
And that feeling lasted about 72 hours.
I got an email from the couple I was housesitting for. They were coming back early from their trip across America because of the Coronavirus. So please do not be under their duvet when they get home.
So I got out but kept focused, kept at it. I did Brian Coughlin's 15th anniversary show above Betty's on March 11th. And it was great and that was the last live thing I ever did before the world changed forever.
And now everything before March 2020 is simply no longer relevant. 'Amusements' that made up what was my 'act', my trivial 'show concepts' I would pitch...That world is gone.
It feels like I was at a house party and we were all having a pretty good time and laughing about stuff and then this guy comes in and kills a few of us and suddenly that's all anyone's talking about. You can't be the one guy who wants to keep doing Picklebacks in spite of the bodies around you. Seems kinda tone deaf.
THIS ISN'T CHINA'S FAULT
I'll tell you who's really happy about the Coronavirus. You want to know the one person who is absolutely thrilled with a Worldwide pandemic?
Prince Andrew.
That fucker is walking on air right now! There he was last year every night on his old fucking knobby knees praying for a way out of his filthy sex scandal "Please make it stop" he'd whimper. And he wanted it so bad and prayed so hard that-- voila! A global pandemic.
And he said, "I'll take it!" And every day Prince Andrew throws open the curtains to his gaudy palace bedroom and shouts "Hellooo you big beautiful world you! You big beautiful world who has now completely forgotten about Prince Andrew dipping it in under-age girls!"
This isn't China's fault. this wan't cooked up in a lab. Or started in a wet market. This was created from Prince Andrew crying so hard and cramming his bum so tight with wishes that the fairy godmother of creepy old white guys created this massive diversion and changed the channel. Truly diabolical.
Am I rambling and off-topic? Yes. I am.
IN SUMMATION LET ME SAY THIS
I have grown to realize the intangible world of Ideas is far more dependable than this tangible world. I've gone down to New York for my big break and wound up sleeping in Central Park. I almost conquered Britain but ended up getting ripped off by my manager, losing all the money I borrowed from my folks, and having to be bailed out by my girlfriend. I've worked on some of the biggest TV shows in this country and now I'm sleeping on a couch and waiting for my CERB cheque to arrive at my PO Box. But through it all the world of imagination has never ever ever let me down. To be excited by an idea - as corny as it sounds- that experience transcends anything that can happen to you in the physical world. And thank God for that baby.
AND REMEMBER...
If Life gives you lemons make lemonade. If Life also gives you sugar. Otherwise just enjoy horribly bitter lemon juice.
