My Cat Will Set The House On Fire... by Juliana Rodrigues

When I was 14 I had an obsession with counting. I would give myself random things to count and tell myself if I stopped, that something bad would happen to myself or my family. I had no idea what this meant at the time, I was just embarrassed that I did this weird thing and I hid it from my friends and family. Slowly over time things got worse, but not yet uncontrollable. I walked, talked and went about my life like a “normal” high school kid. I was social, loud, had multiple friend groups, you would not think that I was a kid who was anxious. One morning, my mom walked in on me counting the amount of times I was brushing my retainer. She simply looked at me and said, “You know, you gotta stop doing that. That’s really bad.” So I stopped counting cold turkey.

A year later, I started doing stand-up comedy which should have been the biggest indicator my mental health was about to go tits up. But of course, comedy quickly consumed every aspect of my life-as it does for everyone. Worrying about those weird meticulous quirks was replaced with learning how to sneak into shows that I was not of age to attend. Instead of picking a guidance counsellor to confide in, I picked fights with security guards who forbid me from the clubs. (Shoutout to Rob from the Rivoli). My mental health went on the back burner along with everything else. After all, hanging around legitimate criminals at open mics being only 15 might indicate I lacked a decent amount of awareness in general. I was ready to throw a family member under a bus if it meant I could do an open mic hosted by a man who for sure has a butterfly knife on him. My wellbeing was not a priority.

Eventually, I started being late for important things because I had to turn around to make sure the door was locked, the stove was off, and my dog was not miraculously stranded on our balcony even though the door was never opened. It did not matter how far I had gone, I would have to turn around to check. At one point, I did not even trust myself to make sure it was off, so I took photos with my phone and would double check when I was on the bus. Even still, I would think “what if my cat chews a wire and the house goes up in flames?” These irrational thoughts consumed my mind until I got back home. I was unaware of the condition I had and therefore did not have the tools yet to turn it off.

Performing at the Sony Centre

This went on for a few years until I got the opportunity to perform stand-up in Niagara Falls over the course of a weekend. An opportunity I was excited to get because it was an overnight gig, and I had yet to spend enough time at the Falls to realize how jarringly depressing it is. I was ready to relax, perform comedy with people I respect, and play glow in the dark mini golf.

I was fine for exactly 6 out of the 72 hours I was there for.

After the show, I went to this fancy restaurant above the club to watch the Raptors in the playoffs with the other comics. The energy was so palpable that night I wanted nothing more than to be a part of it. Yet, I felt this consuming hollow feeling in my chest that grew stronger the more I tried to suppress it. I just remember thinking all these people are going back to their homes and I am not right now. Instead, all I have to look forward to is the cold cuts I put in between my window screen to keep chilled so I can save money on food. At best, I was going back to make grilled cheese over the heating vent. I was surprised at these thoughts considering I had done overnight gigs before- in Sarnia Ontario nonetheless- but it seemed I finally reached the breaking point in my journey where my anxieties began to manifest physically. Feeling lonely on the road is not new to any comedian, but this time, I could not stop those repetitive thoughts. There was no more deflecting. I guess I always thought panic attacks happen when you are on the show Naked and Afraid or something. I did not think it was possible to go through all that when you are steps away from a ferris wheel and the worst Elvis Presley impersonator you will ever see. It did not help either that, upon arriving at the hotel a couple next door was having very loud sex. To which I literally ran out of my room, down to the lobby and requested to be in a different building entirely. I will not dive into too much detail but there were full sentences being said which led me to believe this couple was clearly not in love.

Everyone experiences anxiety differently. Some are more sensitive to it than others. For me, the reactions are pretty violent; I cannot hold my food down, constant shaking, cold sweats, and insomnia. It is the closest to being on fire I can get to. The repetitive thoughts of being alone and trapped was playing like a broken record in my mind. Of course, I was not alone or trapped, and my life was not in danger, but when you are in a state of panic your rational mind escapes you. The fear then shifts from being alone and trapped, to “I’m going to pass out if I don’t drink or eat”, which creates more anxiety and the cycle goes on. The only relief I got was on stage, which still served its initial purpose as a distraction.

I called a friend to come stay with me the rest of the weekend which did not help much. I spent most of the time walking around with my pants unbuttoned because my stomach was in knots, while vaping a CBD pen. Was not my hottest moment.

When I got back home, I started seeing a therapist who specializes in anxiety and diagnosed me with OCD. Yes, OCD. Turns out, it is not just being afraid of germs or having a tidy room, it manifests in many different ways. I was introduced to a life changing method to cope, called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. In short, it trains your brain to challenge unwanted thoughts instead of being overwhelmed by them. You sort of counter the thought with a logical, reasonable thought, then do something to distract yourself. For example, “I’m stranded in Niagara Falls” turns into “you’re not as stranded as the dead bodies at the bottom of the water!” Then immediately go to the wax museum. See? Very easy.

I hate when people are dismissive about anxiety or other mental illnesses and say things like “everyone is anxious”, because the answer is yes, everyone is anxious. Anxiety affects everyone differently, and we all have different thresholds based on our life experiences. Why do we all have to be throwing up and distraught to be anxious enough to justify getting help? I wish I knew about this condition earlier so I could maintain it from a younger age and keep those panic attacks at bay. Just because you cannot see it, does not mean it is not there. You do not need to be in therapy your whole life, either. After just a few sessions I saw results and six months later I flew to New York for comedy where I had the most fun ever. Pants buttoned and all.

Standing in front of the Broadway Comedy Club in New York.

Since then, mental health has been a passion of mine so I started a podcast to chat with people I admire about their experiences. I always found comfort in hearing comics talk about anxiety because it made me feel like I had power over it. If they can be successful in their career while managing their condition, I can too. It helps to know I am not the only comic to have thrown up in Niagara Falls. We cover any topic, from dating to comedy to full blown therapy. At the base of it, I want to show listeners that you can conquer your goals despite whatever it is that you are going through, and in some cases, because of it. It’s called All Good and is available on all streaming platforms.

As for my mom, I do not hold it against her that she overlooked taking me to a therapist immediately after making her discovery. She is not someone who is well versed in mental health to begin with and probably felt that she failed as a parent in some way. I could imagine that feeling is all sorts of daunting, but it taught me an important lesson. Sometimes we need to show up for people in the way they need us to be, not in the way we need it to be. I am forever thankful to Niagara Falls for bringing this out sooner than later. This might be the pandemic talking, but I would do anything to perform there right now.

Also, I just did a taping for Crave as part of the Just For Laughs Stand-up Show with Jon Dore so keep an eye out for that.

Juliana Rodrigues - @Juliana_Hooliana